Comedy And Funny Stories About Dogs: My Rollerblading With Dogs Funny Story

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By akirchner

Rollerblading For Dummies With Malamutes

This is a subject I can speak on with great authority since I did in fact train one of our malamutes to exercise with me on rollerblades. I can also say that it was the most harrowing experience I have had to date! Let me explain.

I have never BEEN on rollerblades in my life. I had purchased a scooter (see yet another hub on this wise choice) and had decided to train our 2 malamutes to pull. Having received the mushing harnesses and towline I had ordered, I could not be satisfied to just wait or begin training simply because I thought "how hard can it be?" I mean really - you strap on a pair of rollerblades, you harness the dog(s) up and away you go. I had in my defense gone to ONE pulling clinic on an afternoon with other malamute owners, and my dogs had shown an uncanny ability to grasp the pulling concept remarkably well. They were both naturals at it. Of course, they were pulling truck tires, not a human being and simply because THEY apparently were naturals at it, I did forget the other factor - they would be pulling ME! I'm not saying I'm a klutz - I'm just not the most graceful person in the world nor would I probably truly be classified as athletic since my medical chart is huge from one injury after the other.


Click thumbnail to view full-size
The fearsome twosome - Kodi and Denaya - Photos by Audrey Kirchner

All this said, my daughter had left a pair of rollerblades at our house and since we had the same size foot - again - WHY NOT? For some reason, I decided to pick the biggest malamute (although I originally was going to have BOTH harnessed up in front of me). Kodi was always my loveable gentle giant and I figured even at 100 pounds, I could do this!! Go girl! After all, he had been through that training session! Again, how hard could it be?

Without mentioning my intent to anyone, and again, never having put a rollberblade on my foot in my lifetime, I put on the rollerblades. I should have known I was in trouble from the getgo since they hurt my ankles and I was having a terrible time maneuvering around in them! I put the harness on our male, somehow managed to attach the towline to his harness AROUND MY WAIST, put on the helmet and pads (at least I was thinking here) and proceeded to just give it a go! Too bad I had not thought this through very well. Too bad I had not bothered to read any books or literature on actual rollerblading - but especially with 100 pounds of dog in front of me! Lastly, too bad my dog did not know the command WHOA - or any other command for that matter!



As in most things, I found out the hard way that once the dog "took" to this new sport, it was a little too late to fret over what I didn't know or could not control. From the beginning, as we literally ROARED out of the driveway, Kodi took to it like a duck to water. In an instant, I found myself literally flying down the street at a breakneck speed with nothing keeping me upright but his running and being acutely aware that he was pulling me from am umbilical cord around my waist! As the houses went to a blur as we literally hit mach 1 and Kodi was striving for mach 2, I knew we were headed for trouble. Not only the obvious trouble I was already in but an extremely busy main road bisected our street - and unfortunately there was no stopping this dog and we were heading right for it! He was digging in now and putting his entire body into it, bless his heart - but I had a very bad feeling!

I was yelling "WHOA" as loud as I could - along with many other words I will not repeat here. I was trying NOT to panic and remembered vaguely something my daughter had said about BRAKES. In retrospect, trying to stop 100 pounds of brute force with the little piddly brakes on a rollerblade should be laughable right there. I figured though I'd best try - so I put my toe down, I put my heel down. I think I was trying to put them BOTH down at the same time and I'm sure although there might have been SMOKE involved, there was no braking going on! In fact, it seemed like I was going faster. I was positively sure by this time that I had burned up any brakes that my daughter ever thought of having on the blades!

Well, not to be a quitter here, I figured we were both going to be roadkill if we shot out across that main road (I could not blame the dog - he was actually doing what I had asked of him, albeit it who knew he was going to be going the speed of light?) Running my options, I did the only thing I knew to do in that moment - I gathered myself up and literally THREW myself onto the side of the road hoping to at least stop us, not break anything of mine or break the dog's back when I hit the ground and literally jerked him to hopefully a standstill. I basically just did the Arte Johnson move of a lifetime - onto gravel and pavement since there was no grass available. I think I literally jerked poor Kodi out of his shorts!

That did stop him; it definitely stopped me! It definitely stopped traffic as well as people could not believe I did it but I did not really have a choice - snowplowing does not work on rollerblades either I found! I just sat in the gravel shaking my head over and over - at least my body was still in one very roughed up piece! I took off the rollerblades and although tempted to throw them into the nearest trash can or bush, I limped home with them! I have never put on another pair SINCE nor do I think for me personally, this is a great way to exercise malamutes. To think that I was going to actually strap BOTH of them to my waist and give it a go still gives me nightmares. We would probably still be running!

The Famous Moral Of The Story

All this said, I think it a GREAT way to exercise any dog but especially a malamute. Kodi took to it right away and if the person BEHIND him happened to be athletic, it would have been wonderful. IF he had known the commands before I went out and attempted such a feat, it would have been wonderful! IF his master had a clue what she was doing, it could have been perhaps something we could have done all the time.

In retrospect, what should have happened is that I should have put on the harness and towline and walked behind him and then the two of them without rollerblades on, teaching them the proper commands. I should have obviously done my homework and learned how to control my dog(s) before I decided that I knew what I was doing. And last but not least, knowing how to actually roller blade before you put them on your feet and strap on 100 or so pounds of sheer power to me just might have been the best plan ever!

Hindsight is always 20/20 but who knew there was a "knack" to rollerblading? And who knew you could go from 0 to mach 1 in such a short amount of time?

If you are going to do it, just from my experience above, had it not been for the helmet and all the pads, I would seriously have been banged up pretty badly. That was without even falling. I don't think throwing yourself on the ground qualifies as a fall! If I had actually fallen and the dog had not stopped, I would have been serious road-rash. As it was, I was very sore and banged up for a week but at least I stopped him before we hit the really busy road and I bounced up on top of a car or two.

Also in retrospect, I would recommend "instant release". Having a towline wrapped around your waist and being connected to your dog(s) with an umbilical cord - probably not the brightest idea I've ever had! If you have to ditch, you should not be at the other end of the towline with 100 or 200 pounds or worse pulling you along because it is not going to be pretty. Just the meeting with the ground is enough to knock a lot of sense into you if you didn't have it already (in my case obviously a little missing) but the towing along said ground....priceless!

The moral of this tale is to do your homework and be prepared if this is the route you want to take in exercising any high energy dog. It was thrilling while it lasted - I have to say that! It is also a rather dangerous way to do it simply because you are very vulnerable. Above all, invest in good equipment and train your dog(s) first and foremost to obey the stop command.

Points I would make in rollerblading having been there, done that:

  • Accomplish rollerblading 101 before you strap a dog or dogs to you
  • Make sure you invest in the best helmet you can afford and elbow and knee pads
  • Learn/adopt commands you want to teach your dog(s) and teach them in harness and on the towline WITHOUT rollerblades on. When you feel that they can stop on command, then try introducing the blading
  • Do not rollerblade with malamutes in heavily people/dog traveled areas at least in the beginning. They are totally distractible and controlling them and the blades could prove dangerous to your health as they took off in pursuit of a small dog or squirrel - roller blades do not go up trees
  • Do make sure you have your insurance premiums paid up to date and you know where to go in the event of needing medical care
  • Do have someone with you or who knows where you are in case of crashing and/or can drive you there or home
  • Do have instant release - meaning do not tether yourself on the towline so that if you crash the dog(s) will be towing you on the pavement for any distance
  • Do have a very healthy respect for the amount of muscle and speed a malamute can show you in about 10 seconds after saying "let's go" or whatever command you release them with
  • Do practice, practice, practice before attempting it in "real life"  - sadly I learned that the hard way
  • It's a great experience but it can also be very humbling!

 

How To Get To Mach 1 Without Really Trying

The Second Part Of This Is Where He Hits Mach 1

More Video of Dog Rollberblading

Comments

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 6 months ago

Ah indeed, Eddy - they are so easy to fall in love with although I'm beginning to wonder if after our current 3 malamutes, I might want to consider something along the lines of a 3-pound dog the next time around - hopefully many, many years from now~ I do love the goofy things but they are definitely life-filling~~~ They had me at first howl, however.

Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 6 months ago

A wonderful hub and I fell in love with your dogs.

Up Up and away here.

Take care and enjoy your day.

Eddy.

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 16 months ago

Leah, I don't think it would have been SO bad if I wasn't old....although even if I had been younger, going that fast was really weird to say the least!

Bless his heart, my Kodi thought he was doing so awesome and he was! I just hadn't quite factored many things in (obviously) before I headed out on my 'wild ride'.

Thanks for giggling along with me - I actually am always asked to do my rendition of this for parties, etc. because everyone gets such a kick out of my 'misfortune'. I only wish Kodi was still here to reenact it with me!

leahlefler profile image

leahlefler Level 7 Commenter 16 months ago

I had a good chuckle at your recommendation for the "brain-saver" helmet. I have taken a few nasty falls on roller blades, but never with dogs increasing my speed! Dogs definitely add to the spice of life!

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 16 months ago

Well, Christian, there are many words that stand out in your great comment....accomplished blader.....quick release......tire them out first....yikes.

My hat's off to you - WOW. My Kodi was just under 100 pounds and my Griffin at the moment is only about 85 and my Denaya the same. I have never done it again on roller blades but I did end up getting a scooter and taught them to pull us on that - great fun.

I also went from pavement (after meeting it with my head - thank God for the helmet and pads) to running them on dirt - that does seem more logical! Also better for them.

Kodi passed away a year or so back and I still miss him bless his heart but now I have my Griff and my Denaya though she is almost 10 and has pretty much let me know she's tired of pulling! She still loves to run though - lord! We're about to add another pup to our household so we'll be doing this for a while me thinks!

I also bought a sled with my winnings from a Hubpages contest last year so just learning with Griff on that. You are totally right - digging in is the key word there. I guess they figure they're hauling freight (as they once did) and really it is so!

I will always see you in my mind's eye now whizzing along behind 3 big mals! What a cool accomplishment. I tend to be like Lucille Ball in everything I do so it's probably no wonder I had a bit of trouble but it was a ride! My friends always ask me to do my stand up routine and give them the visual on this one at parties and get togethers. They seem to truly enjoy my 'wild ride' especially the part where the brakes were smoking or nonexistent.

Thanks so much for stopping by - best of luck and hugs to your mals. They are truly special dogs, eh?

Christian 16 months ago

Loved your story...

Very informative and entertaining...

I have 3 malamute's the largest Akhime...70 kg(150lbs) and I am an accomplished rollerblader of more than 12 years...

I regularly take all 3 out simultaneiously with quick release harnesses for a drag. Very very dangerous, and I cringed when reading it was your first time on blades:o)

Im glad you and Kodi made it through with minimal damage but had one little tid bit to maybe help those that want to undertake this kind of activity with Mallamutes or any other type of animal for that matter...

First time you ever take them out on blades... do it straight after a tyre pulling session or a big bout on the tread mill... if they are tired as when you kick off, they dont generally take off like the general lee.

Also.. if you are running them on a road or really hard surface, and they arent used to it... Shoes for your dog.. dogs tend to really try and dig in when pulling, and they can do some serious damage to their feet..

Take care.

Christian

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 17 months ago

I guess it was a positive and a negative or vice versa, Maria. I know what you mean about crying rivers or dogs though....man!

Happy New Year!

Maria Cecilia profile image

Maria Cecilia Level 4 Commenter 17 months ago

well I just felt I need to response here coz it reminded me also of myself and my Auntie's dog Blackie, my aunt eventually sold that dog to someone and I cried a river, the reason why my mother allowed me to have my first dog

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 17 months ago

Maria - I think swaying me is the key word here! I was swaying more than I'd like to even remember and still laugh and shudder all at the same time. My Kodi was something special and it's lucky he stopped when I threw myself into the gravel.

I think we all think of ourselves as far more athletic than maybe we are ----at least in my case! I think of myself as the Mia Hamm of all time and in fact, I'm a Lucille Ball.

Thanks so much for stopping in and reminding me of my dear sweet Kodi boy.

Maria Cecilia profile image

Maria Cecilia Level 4 Commenter 17 months ago

I think I did this before, but the difference is the setting, in the Philippines I was less that 10 years old I started roller skating (that was the trend then that happened in 1978 or 79 long ago lol)when I was in grade 1 so I guess I was a bit expert then, I walked my dog, a Philippine Local Dog wearing my roller skating and it was fun when the dog run swaying me away without me exerting effort... nice but very dangerous.... then one dog lover called my attention and told me I was working my dog too hard.... all I can say is at least you know the moral lesson of the story.....and be thankful though that nothing serious happened to you and your dogs, so the experience was really very funny.... be careful next time... in case you are thinking of doing it again lol

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 20 months ago

Thanks for the read, but that was my main concern! If they do not stop EVERY time, you can quickly become road rash. I hope you have all the proper equipment on like elbow and knee pads, wrist braces, and a helmet! And a release on your lead. That is supposedly a safe thing to do - so that if they are going too fast and do not appear to want to stop, you release them although that can end up being a tragic situation of they run into the road!

I suggest training and retraining and training some more OFF skates - or sled - or bike, etc. Making sure that they understand the stop command every single time hopefully can alleviate that? Of course it all depends on the dogs and if they are tempted to go after a squirrel or something crazy like that - can you get them to stop anyhow? My trainer friend recommends continually rewarding - with treats and praise when they actually listen to you and STOP or do whatever it is you want when pulling - and then they get the notion that it pays to listen!

Dangerous business that roller blading with big dogs and I've decided I can't do it anymore simply because it's too dangerous when you fall or when you have no brakes - have you thought about Diggler scooters? If you check those out - they have GOOD brakes - that is the only way to go with my malamutes. I have a hub on here somewhere about urban mushing and you should check out the sites - my friend here in Prineville sells them and they are SO good and so durable!! That's what we have now - and you can see them in the scootering videos I have posted up on here, too - and some of my training photos with Griffin as a puppy - walking them through it, etc.

Good luck!!! Love urban mushing - but just be safe.

Hi amy 20 months ago

Great story. i have been trying to get information on how to deal with dogs while Roller-walking them. I have a Weimaraner and a Doberman (both about 1 yr old), and i run them on my bike (with an attachment and a leash). The doberman can tow me around for half an hour she such a mad, determined, psycho-dog (in the nicest way!). The weimaraner is much more relaxed and makes me pedal to carry my own weight.

I have taken up Rollerblading in order to play Roller Hockey with my 10 year old son. now that I am quite comfortable twisting and turning in them, I want to try it with the dogs. i have ordered the LandRollers that Cesar Milan uses in his show... I'm waiting for the next batch to arrive in October.

Do you have any advice on how to brake/stop quickly when they are pulling you at full speed?... My Doberman is obsesse with pulling as hard as she can, so I need a sure way to stop if she doesn't listen to my stop command. On the bike it's easy: just squeeze the brakes.

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Oh Sage - that is so kind! I honestly sometimes just lead with my heart and we can all see where that gets me. Bob always just laughs at me and says I might want to engage brain before leaping - but then he will follow it right up with 'what would I do without you making me laugh until I cry?' I think that is a compliment! Oy vey and all that - I seriously have been afraid to try roller blades since the 'Kodi' (bless his sweet heart) incident. With Griffin, I have a feeling I might be road rash or road KILL for sure...he is one powerful little dude! Denaya would probably have pity on me and stop (maybe) but somehow once she got me up to mach 1 I'm not 100% sure on that score either. Thanks so much for reading but most of all for laughing! That is the object for me - if I can make someone actually see it and laugh, then I feel that my writing has some merit. I actually do a 'stand up' routine on this story according to my friends and family...when we get together they ask for Audrey's version of how NOT to roller blade with malamutes and usually everyone ends up staring at me mouth gaping and laughing their heads off. I guess the visual of an old lady who is certainly NOT in her prime doing something so stupid is worth a few laughs. I'm only glad I lived to tell the tale...or was that tail?

Sage Williams profile image

Sage Williams 2 years ago

I saw your title and couldn't get to your hub fast enough. No, I was not on roller blades. OMG! what an experience, you had, the sad part about it is I could actually see myself going through the same mental process as you did, figuring how hard can it be? You did an amazing job writing this. I was with you every inch of the way.

I, myself have roller bladed in the past but it has been several years since I have been on them and I never learned how to brake properly. Just recently, my 3 year old grandson has mastered his two wheeler and I can no longer keep up with him walking. So I decided to put on my roller blades and take him on the bike trail. It worked quite nicely but I didn't have the challenge of being pulled by malamutes.

You had me laughing so hard, thanks so much for sharing your incredible experience. I always love to look at your avatar. It just shows your amazing love for these animals. Please don't ever change it.

Sage

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Yes - I was sitting in a fashional restaurant just yesterday and looked down to discover I was covered in fur - that was AFTER I used the lint roller AFTER we walked the dogs for several hours....oh well. People must just think I don't care about being a hairy ape but not too much you can do about it once you're in it. I guess carrying a lint roller around your neck like a pair of glasses might become popular- I'll have to give it a try. Too funny. I have a hub coming up though about people and what they say about our dogs - it is priceless (to me) what folks decide to just walk up and say. Gotta love it - I always try and see the humor in most things though so there ya go!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 Level 3 Commenter 2 years ago

Beloved Fur!!!

One day I will be buying stock in those lint rollers. I swear they save my working family from needless explanations of our 9 creature home! Animal lovers are so misunderstood, don't you think? :>) I mean, "So SORRY, boss, but all this animal hair is part of my fashion statement, so back off, Mister!" Right?

Thanks for this Mother's Day treat-my entire family has fallen in love with your pups!

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Thanks Lorlie - on it like fur! Thanks for commenting and I love for people to live vicariously through me - I think some days I should live vicariously through myself and sit on the couch! Happy Mom's Day! For my mom's day wish, I took my mals and went to Sunriver with Bob and we had the best time - sat outside and trained yet some more with Griffin the maniac malamute puppy. Everyone loves him so and they just swarm us with the dogs - he gets many hugs and much love - although his vocalizations are something I'd seriously like to break the habit of! It doesn't help much though when folks are laughing and exclaiming how dang cute he is while he is howling at them - he loves people so much he is saying 'pet me, pet me, come here NOW' - oh well. Another day of being covered in fur and having my arms yanked out of the socket but it was all good....great day to spend time - on the trails and with my pups and hubby...and the phone calls in between on the cell!

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 Level 3 Commenter 2 years ago

What a fun way to spend my Mother's Day! I mean watching these videos and living vicariously through them...Dang, akirchner, the crashes sure look like they were worth it-what absolute fun!

I live in California's Eastern Sierra and have a dear friend that currently owns and runs 14 huskies. I personally own 1 dog that I think looks alot like Keisha; he was 'dumped' in my backyard 3 years ago so I have no real idea what he 'is.' I think he's a little Malamute, a bit Wolf, but it really doesn't matter, does it? He's a gorgeous creature!

I don't mean to self-promote at all, but would you mind looking at a photo I have of him on my hub, "My Not-So Glass Menagerie"? I'm sure you'll find him-Ranger's the name.

Thanks for such fun!

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Ah bummer - that is what it is all about. Finding them a 'job' - every dog is meant to do SOME thing - and I think it is so wonderful that you gave your buddy the opportunity. I would not have traded all my crashes (and rashes) for the world trying to figure out what made them happy. I've since moved on to scooters and sleds - and it is all good! Beagles are awesome dogs but then I'm of the mind that all dogs are awesome!

Yard of nature profile image

Yard of nature 2 years ago

Great fun. I can't imagine the speed one could attain. I used to in-line skate with my now-departed beagle. People thought I was being cruel since he was so short compared to me. But beagles love to run and he was more addicted to the thrice-weekly skates than I was, and I was pretty addicted. Thanks for sharing and bringing back a memory of my now departed skating buddy.

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Ah that - I quickly realized I actually DID break the speed limit because Kodi was SO locked in instantly. He was the best guy - he just did whatever and I unfortunately was on the end of a lead without a release. The bad thing I think was that I was nearing 50 and put myself out on a limb - but even though it ended up kinda bad, it is my favorite memory of urban mushing - and what the heck to do and NOT do!

habee profile image

habee Level 7 Commenter 2 years ago

Great hub and beautiful dogs! I'm afraid if I tried this with Hamlet and Grendel, I'd break the speed limit!

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Thank you so much crewman6 - I must be a crazy hero at best! Appreciate you tagging me and commenting.

Crewman6 profile image

Crewman6 Level 2 Commenter 2 years ago

Wow, you're a hero to me! Thanks for the wonderful hubs.

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Thanks so much for commenting BkCreative! Loved that dog more than I can say - he simply just was an inspiration the way he 'took' to urban mushing. It is one of my favorite memories of Kodi - albeit also one of my most stupid stunts to date!

BkCreative profile image

BkCreative Level 6 Commenter 2 years ago

Love the hub! And love your interview on the weekly hub magazine. I'm glad the herbivorehippi showcased this fun hub!

Fun fun stuff! Thank you!

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Thanks so much for comments, drbj - too hilarious! Happy I survived the tale/tail as well! Tailgating malamutes - that's wonderfully funny.

drbj profile image

drbj Level 8 Commenter 2 years ago

Hi, akirchner, Your dogged desire to rollerblade via dog power could have led to your dog gone demise.

Happy you survived to tell this terrific tale of tail-gating your malemute on wheels.

Thanks for the hilarious hub.

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Thanks so much for commenting, allpurposeguru - yes, on rethinking it many times not sure what made me think this was a GOOD idea! Luckily I lived to tell the tale...or tail!

allpurposeguru profile image

allpurposeguru Level 2 Commenter 2 years ago

Hmm. My two are 8 and 12 pounds, and they still try to set the pace when we walk. I don't think they could really pull me if I were on wheels, but I'll bet they'd try. In any case, I'd certainly much rather read about your account than try it myself!

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Thanks for commenting, justmesuzanne - I would do that but I have trouble just riding my bike myself - don't think I'd risk tying a malamute to it!

justmesuzanne profile image

justmesuzanne Level 5 Commenter 2 years ago

I'll stick with bike riding with my dog! :D

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Thanks so much actioncamera - yes, I'm a sport of some kind - I think dumb sport would be more like it but these dogs - they just grabbed me by the heart and there I went. Thanks for commenting!

actioncameron 2 years ago

When I saw the grass coming up and the dog veering toward it all I could imagine was the yard sale of equipment. Very funny story. I'll be sure not to try this from my home!!!LOL

Your a good sport!

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

Thanks so much - that is too kind! To tell you the truth, when I'm having a bad, bad day, I remember Kodi and my little 'ride' down the street with him and although I miss him still and shake my head at all we went through, it does crack me up. He was my inspiration after all for all things malamute I guess you could say. What a card - and what a crazy old lady he ended up with!

theherbivorehippi profile image

theherbivorehippi Level 1 Commenter 2 years ago

I literally continue to laugh at this Hub no matter how many times I read it! I can be having the worst day and I always come back to it to read! Thanks so much for sharing this one! :)

akirchner profile image

akirchner Hub Author 2 years ago

I still am standing by the story that it sounded like a GREAT idea in theory....OMG - I do not think I have ever been so terrified in my life though. I ran into a neighbor some time later (months) and he was standing there talking to us - he blurts out with 'have you seen the lunatic that is riding around the neighborhood strapped to 2 gigantic dogs on a scooter'. Bob just looked at me and started to laugh - he had not been on the scooter ONCE at that point. He just pointed to me and my neighbor almost died. I'm sure he was thinking 'aren't you a little OLD for that' among other questions....I'm only thankful I did not make the news when I fell doing the rollerblading - and then the scooter episode where I was flopping around on the sidewalk like a beached whale! Oy vey -I'm surprised I'm not in traction. Do as I say - DON'T do what I do!

Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose Level 8 Commenter 2 years ago

That sounds like the sort of thing I would do. Seriously! I always act before I think! I am trying to get it the right way round but, well, not happening yet!! still reading!! cheers Nell

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