Funny Dog Story: Here's Your Sign, Comebacks From A Malamute Owner

I have always loved the Here's Your Sign stand-up routine that Bill Engvall does. I have equally enjoyed the other parts of Blue Collar Comedy jumping on the bandwagon and adding their ideas for Here's Your Sign .

However, I've discovered that lately, I'm having a rash of Here's Your Sign conversations with folks as I traverse the community and public places in the effort to socialize my malamute puppy, Griffin. I am a conversationalist by nature and hope that my little trip down sarcasm lane comes across in the flavor that it is intended - merely a humorous look at the crazy things people say to me while I'm valiantly trying to train my dogs, keep them under control at all times, and enjoy the day!

I know that these 3 elements are possible because I've had many great days. I actually have had very few bad days - for this I am most grateful! I have had some days though where I literally walk back to the car shaking my head or say to Bob - 'Did he really ask me that ?' ' Did she really SAY that ?' And my answer is always Here's Your Sign . I only wish I could bring myself to saying these out loud at the time!

Are you sure he's a malamute?

Ya know - I never thought of that! You're right - I got him from a well known malamute breeder and by gosh - it says right on that there AKC thinga-ma-jig that he IS a malamute...but perhaps you're right!  He does look kinda like a cross between a Shetland pony and a dawg....Here's your sign

Aren't malamutes part wolf?

You betcha - and he just got done chowing down on a couple of little piglets just before you walked up to me.  For dessert, he had a couple of little kids!  Don't feel like you need to stand here and wait for him to attack....and by the way, if I HAD a part wolf or he was an aggressive breed of dog, do you THINK I'd be prancing around with TWO of them in an extremely crowded place with lots of kids and dogs?  Here's your sign

Man - don't you get a LOT of hair off of those dogs?

Of course not!  What you're looking at is basically their 'coat'.  When we get home, much like us humans - I just unzip it and hang it up on the hanger until the next time we go out...what do you THINK?  Do you see hair?  Of course I get lots of hair but are you folks cleaning my house?  Do you really need to point out the obvious?  Okay - so he's got lots of hair - I think that's why he's called a WOOLY!  Here's your sign

Does he bite?

Heck - why don't we find out!  Of course he bites - just last week, he bit off some guy's 2 fingers in a flash.  That's why again I bring him to public places where there are tons of people and LOTS of dogs - just for the heck of it.  I love bloodshed and I love to see him bite people.  Here's your sign

I had a champion malamute once - he killed 2 of the neighbor's cats

Well, gee guy - that is SO special that you are sharing that with me!  What the heck?  Did you not have any better control over your dog than to put him in that kind of situation?  Did you not like notice after he killed the FIRST one?  Or was it 'okay' because he was a show dog?  You know what they say about show dogs!  Seriously - why are you telling me this?  Do I look like I'm interested in hearing this?  And better yet, now I'm a little steamed because you have put this idea into Griffin's head.  I gotta say thanks and....Here's your sign

I have a wolf/malamute mix and I keep her in the car because I never know WHAT she's going to do

Brilliant! Good for you! Does she drive the car? Is she happy being in the car all the time while you figure out how to give her a life? And what does that have to do with me and my dogs here? Do they look like they don't know what to do? Okay so Griffin is working on socializing but that is all part of the process. I kinda sorta think that by the end of all this training, I'm going to know what I can and cannot expect from him and I think that is the whole purpose of the exercise - but again - hey - thanks for pointing that out. Do I look like a counselor for the Dogs Out Of Control Support Group? 'Beautiful dog' would have been sufficient but...Here's your sign

Do those dogs need a lot of exercise?

Well, actually no - Griffin especially is more of the sedate kind of dog - more of an intellectual. He really is quite the couch potato and usually likes to curl up with a good book on the sofa or play video games - that is when he's not playing piano...it all just depends on his mood for the day. Of course they need exercise! What kind of a stupid question is that? Don't most dogs need exercise and lots of it? And especially really, really big dogs? I think I need to carry pamphlets on dog ownership and pass them out as I go....Here's your sign

Why is he howling like that? Is he in pain or something or is he going to attack?

Yes, that howling means that he is in terrific pain - his brain is exploding because he can't believe all these stupid questions! Seriously though, yes - he is about to attack - this is his battle cry when he simply can't take being around humans that ask too many questions and can't seem to think through the answers. He figures you either like him or you don't - so if you don't, keep on walking and don't stand there all indecisive about whether he's okay or not. Now see what you've done? He's definitely gonna blow - there he is howling again and he's singing your song! Here's your sign

What is he crossed with? That can't be a purebred malamute!

Again, see above. You're totally right! What kind of an idiot pays for a purebred dog that isn't? How did you guess? What we have here is a cross between a wolf and a bear - it took some clever impregnation techniques but by gosh - the breeder nailed this one so to speak! What do you think? Do you think he looks ferocious? Why by golly, you couldn't GET a more ferocious animal! Ah bummer - there he goes with the howling again - that means he's gonna blow! Best get on your way and in the meantime....Here's your sign

AND MY VERY FAVORITE

He's not a malamute - he's an American Eskimo Dog

Okay folks - and this is aimed directly at the lady who I keep running into who says this EVERY time to me.....look at the pictures! Night and day sweetheart - American Eskimo dogs weigh between 10 and 35 pounds depending on toy or not toy. My dog already weighs 80 pounds - do the MATH! Also pointing out the obvious here....does he LOOK white to you? Are you ever going to believe me that he is actually NOT an American Eskimo Dog? I doubt it - so let's get it over with....Here's your sign!

For those of you out there who actually know what a malamute is - thank you!!! No signs for you! Thank you for all the wonderful people who actually understand dogs, especially dogs with very big teeth but who are gentle giants. Thank you for the people who come up and talk to me and pet my babies.

I enjoy even the whackiest of comments though - it is just part of human nature to say what comes to mind and I have no doubt that these folks think they are truly being 'helpful' on some level or trying to point out the obvious to me. After all, I am blonde!

Rest assured world, I do know what kind of dogs we have and even though they are a bloody handful some days, they are the greatest dogs in the world. And even if I look like I'm not at all sure of what I'm doing, that obviously longer arm I'm now sporting on the left side by about 5 inches should testify to the fact that I TOTALLY have my dog under control at all times. Those gritted teeth aren't meant for you, either - they are just a reaction that I find hard to control when faced with abject stupidity.

You will notice if you see me out and about with my pups that I give my biggest and brightest smiles to folks who actually know a malamute when they see him or her, and who actually know that the howling is simply 'conversation'. And the folks who actually know how to approach my dogs, fearlessly and cordially, with exuberance and joyfully engage in socialization with them have my undying gratitude. You folks make me look good!

And for those of you who got the signs....well, all I can say is you gotta take the bad with the good and I know you really don't mean to come off so stupid or insulting - but that's why we need the signs!